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Gods_Manalangin
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Name: Melissa
Location: Boise, Idaho, United States
Birthday: 5/31/1987
Gender: Female
Interests: family and friends, music, music, music, it speaks to my soul, teaching overseas, hiking, camping, animals!! <3, discovering more about myself everyday, and maybe someday I'll travel on a gummi ship into a disney land...... oh btw, I'm nerdy. :D YAY FOR ME!
Expertise: making situations awkward, I'm the complainer in a restaurant -- some may not call this expertise, but someone's gotta do it and it sure takes biatchy talent... and I sure got it -- hotchachacha, uhmmmm.. and GUEEEETAR hero. Love it.PS I'm weird/crazy. :D YAY!
Occupation: Student
Industry: Elementary Education
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  MGenvieve
MSN: pinay_mango@hotmail.com
Yahoo:  pinay_mango@yahoo.com
Member Since:
8/4/2005
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| It's been a long few months. I finally managed to finish my student teaching, I'm finishing the last bit of my online classes, I graduated in June, I'm working on finding a job in this stupid economy, and I'm beginning to embark on my life journey of discovery. More specifically.. self discovery. Graduating college kind of leaves you in a state of limbo. You could move forward with more school, or... you can jump into the career world. Though, the career world is looking a little bleak right now. I also am dirty poor. After having to pay for everything myself in Seattle and barely work... I'm pretty much left with nothing aside from a useless liquor license and old pay stubs shoved in the corners of my purse. Faaaaantastic. Job hunting hasn't been going well. I've applied to teaching pre-k (since I still have a couple Language Arts classes to finish), but none of them have responded and don't start until September. So, I've even begun applying to off jobs. I've been babysitting... housesitting... I even applied to be an optometrist assistant. I've worn glasses for more than half of my life, it makes sense right?
So, honestly? I feel a little displaced. I moved back to Boise after graduation, and I thought, "Oh, I'll be near my family and friends. I can get a job, and I'll be content." No. I feel so restless. Maybe it's the lack of a current career right now? I'm used to living on my own... not with family or parents. My friend, Maggie, has been looking for apartments/houses for us, but it seems like I'll never be able to move out. I can't afford it. Gah. I have no job, my loans are going to start coming in... ugh. It's ridiculous. I mean, I've already accepted that I'm going to constantly be in debt because of school, but... to be in debt and jobless. Wow. Once again, fantastic.
So, I'm trying to find random things to keep myself busy. I've been working out in the mornings, running with Hondo -- my sister's dog, lifting weights, visiting friends, bible study, random babysitting jobs, reading at Barnes and Noble, and a new development -- a possible volunteer opportunity at the Idaho Humane Society. Cesar Milan inspired. That man is a genius by the way. Ever since I watched his show, I feel compelled to be a dog trainer or something... but then I found out that school costs money. Man, what doesn't? But, I really want to get a dog for myself. Ever since my family lost our dog, Chopstick, a 12 year old pug, I've just wanted to get a dog for myself. My sister got hers, my mom is getting a new pug... I want to get a dog for myself. Something that I can actually call mine, that is my responsibility, that will de-stress me, and won't nag me 24/7. Hm.. had to slip that part in.
Anyway, I'll keep you posted how life progresses being home. Hopefully in the next couple weeks, my job hunt will end victoriously, but we'll see. Here's to hopin'. Just got to keep faith and hope.
Melissa~
PS
Look at my beautiful niecey in my profile pic. :) Isn't she beautiful?! She's going to be six in September. Ugh. STOP GROWING! | | |
| I'm a 21 year old female. I'm secure enough to admit that lately, I've been having issues in the dating department. It's a lot different when you're finally finishing up college, trying to make a career for yourself, slow down a bit, and look into settling down. Wow. Those dynamics are so much different than when you're first beginning to discover life and the real world. Lemme tell ya. The idea of dating and boys was just fun to me. It is nice to have that someone there to y'know, give you that attention and make you feel special. But now, after spending some time to focus on myself and finally finishing up college.... dating isn't glamorous anymore. Um, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that it isn't fun anymore. It isn't flattering to have a nasty, douche faced frat boy meander over and tell you that you look hot. It isn't wonderful to be dancing with your girlfriends and the same cloned, jerk frat boy manages to somehow put his hands on you and thinks that you LIKE being rubbed up on even though you've move away about 4 times to 4 completely different places in the room. He's just too drunk to notice. Why did I think that was validating? Why did I think that I could feel beautiful and like a real woman with a drunked up manboy with wandering hands?! WHY?!?! (No offense to most frat boys. I'm sure you're not all the same -- except for the ones at most clubs... but then yes, yes you are. Prove me wrong, and I will take back my opinion, but for now... I stand where I stand on that issue.)
So you're asking, why the rant, Melissa? Why the sudden thoughts on this? For some odd reason, the ages between 16 and 21 are somewhat filled (for most females) with hopes that if you could get a bunch of young manboys (ages 18 to early 20s) to ogle you and fawn over you, regardless if they were in a drunken state or not, that you would feel completely validated and good about yourself? Why.. may I ask.. would I ever feel that way? And I'm not pointing fingers because for a long, long, long, LONG time, I thought that, that's what I needed. I thought that those things would fulfill me and actually make me feel good about myself. You would think that the next morning, when that empty, sick feeling settled into the pit of my stomach, I would start to get the gist of "Heyyyy, maybe this isn't making me as happy as I thought it would..." Buuuut no. I kept doing it. It was something to damper away the fact that I KNEW I was selling myself short. But I didn't realize it, until recently. Let me explain further... next paragraph.
So, I was talking to my friend, and we were both complaining about how boys are just no good these days. Well, the ones we've met at least. She went on to explain that she didn't understand why I hadn't settled on one person yet because she thought that I was a good catch. "If I was a man, I'd tap it." Okay. Aside from the vulgarity and hilarity of that comment, y'know, that meant something. I was like, YEAH. I am a good catch. I like cooking, I like cleaning, I like babies, I want babies, I love God, I take care of people, my family is good, I don't have an acid face. Why haven't I found the one yet? So, with that thought in mind, let's fast forward a couple days. A couple days later, I went to a career fair for teaching jobs in the Seattle area. I was walking around with a couple of other interns, not really taking the whole thing seriously until I saw a poster for teaching abroad in South Korea. I was interested because, yes, I do want to teacher overseas someday. So, I walked over, perusing the goods until I saw..... quite possibly, the most beautiful man I have ever seen. No, no. Not a boy. A.. man. Now. I need to explain. Over the past year or so, I've thought boys were cute, but I haven't for quite some time thought a man was just flat out handsome/sexy/... anyway. He proceeded to talk to me about the program and the kinds of things they were doing over there. He explained that it was kind of a Christian organization because they planted churches or something. Anyway, you can tell I was really attentive. (cough).. But as he was talking, he seemed to feel really passionate about sharing the fact that they really wanted to broaden churches planted over there. It was like he didn't even know he was..... beautiful. After the conversation (and discovering he was married), I walked away and it hit me. Like someone had just bitch slapped me across the face. Oh my god. I HAVE been selling myself short. I've been trying to feel validated by the disgustingness of fratties not respecting me, when there ARE good guys walking around out there. Granted, they seem to be in short supply where I am, but.. HEY.. wait a minute, I have been looking for the wrong things and searching in the wrong places. It was like God threw a giant brick at my head saying, "Hello! Wake up. There is something amazing for you out there. And he's going to think you're just as amazing! You just have to wait. Doesn't matter how long. Just wait." Man, I hate being patient, but if I'm waiting for something like that..... it's.. it's got to be worth it. Someone is going to like me even if I am... well, moody, have a potty mouth, and... well.. moody. So, despite his and my flaws, God should be our foundation. I dunno. I'm starting to repeat everything that I had hoped for a few entries back a long time ago, but.. I mean it this time! NO MORE SELLIN' MYSELF SHORT!!!
I want a man.. A MAN.. who loves God more than himself. And that should just outline everything. Anyway, that's my rant. I'm probably missing pieces, but just a quick rant before work. Alright.. I'm.. I'm out. Peace out. | | |
| Maybe if I wasn't disappointed all the time with guys, I wouldn't be so uncomfortable talking about it.
Maybe if I wasn't so bipolar, I wouldn't be constantly disappointed.
Maybe if I was prettier...
Maybe if I didn't feel stupid everytime I liked someone.
Maybe if I was a little less analytical and complicated.
Maybe if I just stopped thinking about it.
Maybe if I just accepted myself the way I was, things would be easier.
Is it ever easier? Bah.
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| So in all honesty, my title really has nothing to do with what I'm going to talk about. It might allude to a little bit of it, but I actually found the title kind of humorous. Only because I discovered this electronic/indie musician person called Owl City (great name), and I've been pretty obsessed with it. I've kind of been obsessed with electronic/indie and indie in general as of late. It's the comfort of my stressed out soul these days. Anyway, I was hoping to maybe find some Owl City to put them up, but, alas, I did not. Next time, next time.
So... life. What can I say about life? The new quarter of school started. I just got back about a week ago from Boise, and just as I suspected -- depressing. Not depressing like... it sucked being there. It was depressing to leave. For a number of years, I somehow became this angsty/emo adolescent (example a: my page... which was created during high school, and I do like it but I'm also way too lazy to change it). But when I came back home this time for the summer and this Christmas break, it was like all those stupid excuses I made up about Boise faded away, and I realized that my heart would forever be in Boise, Idaho. I mean, I grew up there. It's the main place that shaped me. Granted, Seattle has shaped and changed me more than I could ever dream, but in a sense, it also directed me to the place where I truly long to be which is... Boise. So, in other words, I miss it, I want to be there, I'm having sad fits about being here... blah blah. But whatever, I'll get over it. Hopefully, I'll be graduating in the spring (hopefully).
But aside from that, I have taken up several things. I think I mentioned earlier that I was taking up more reading. My goal is to read, well, a lot more books than I've read in the past. I was going to set a goal for myself, but instead, I've just decided to have a pretty generic expectation. I'd say that's fair enough. I've also taken up guitar. I played a little in high school, so, picking it up again wasn't too bad, but I forgot about the horrible blisters you need to develop in order to develop "guitar fingers". Anyway, my friend Maggie and I have been working on songs to record and put up on youtube. It's pretty fun. I love it. I kind of forgot how music and reading is a good stress reliever. Really does ease the soul.
Another thing is exercise. So, I've taken it upon myself to actually walk back and forth between home and my new student teaching internship. It's just up Queen Anne, but I have to admit... that hill is CRAZY steep (especially for someone who has gotten completely out of shape). So, that in addition to possibly taking up some running in the mornings is perfection. Not only will I remain literate and musical, but ALSO... healthy. Healthy and financially ept. That's right, people. A new year, a new Melissa. I'm also starting to put the reigns on my spending. Once an avid shopper of Nordstrom (my second home), Urban Outfitters, and the Gap, now, a proud Ross shopper bent on the famous quote "dress for less" as her new life motto. I have been pleased to find most of my student teaching clothes there. However, in the times of not-getting-many-shifts-at-work so far, I hope to save up a lot more for things like... oh I don't know.. food and laundry money. But we'll see how long this money things works out for me.
And I have to admit, I'm really proud of myself. Let me break it down for you: I'm a really, really awkward person. I don't like to meet new people. I don't like putting myself out there, and I especially don't like stepping out of my comfort zone. Especially after moving to a university with all new people... "adult people" for that matter... I was too afraid to be myself and I found myself constantly caring what other people thought of me. Anyway, after being thrust into the education department and having to fend for myself by creating new friendships and having to speak my mind with reasons why I thought this lesson was good or reflecting on my time in the classroom, I have definitely seen a growth. I actually speak in my classes now. I'm actually willing to tell my university coordinator my fears of student teaching, and I'm even communicating with my mentor teacher and professors. Gasp. I know. I KNOW. If you don't know me that well, well then you could probably care less. For me, who knows myself pretty well, I'm a little impressed and slightly shocked at myself. Who knew, y'know? I wouldn't have guessed that eventually, over time, I'd somehow manage to muster up the courage to be able to speak, think, and live for myself. Sounds silly, but sometimes, it's weird to watch yourself grow up. Take a step back and observe sometime. You learn a lot about yourself. It's quite odd... and rewarding.
Second order of business: I've been convicted. Again. God always manages to tug at my heart strings, kind of whisper/yell at me for my weaknesses. Well, not so much for, but rather, for giving into them. Yesterday I was listening to a sermon, and he continued to talk about the importance of our roles as Christians in today's culture. How can we plan to change the culture as Christians if we don't act like it? And although our changing culture tries to take dominance in our lives, who are we to just throw in the towel and give up, y'know? Who are we to just stop pursuing the Godly faith in it all when we have a duty as Christians to live a life that exemplifies Christ even if things do get hard. He gave the example that the people that love us would never give up on us. Regardless of our quirks, our family and friends don't give up on us. God never gives up on us. He's always calling out to us, always showing us a deep love that we can sometimes barely understand. Sure He does it to us, but when do we ever exemplify that love to other people? When have I ever done that to people? How Christlike have I been in my actions? So, yes... I broke down. All that friendship crap I had been complaining about... down the drain. I ended it. I gave up and threw in the towel just because I never thought I could be strong enough to handle it. It seemed like so much pain that I was burnt out, and I just didn't want to try anymore. But how many times have I hurt the Lord, and He still stood beside me when I needed Him most. What kind of friend was I being to her? What kind of love was I showing her? Here I had been rattling on and on about the importance of love and friendship in my blogs when I myself had not even been showing it to her. Even though the whole thing was so painful, why couldn't I stick it out? Not for me, but for her. Isn't that what friendships are about? The other person. But I was being selfish, getting tired that she wasn't thinking about me. Selfish. Thinking about myself, not actually thinking about her in the process. In all relationships -- friendships, dating, sisters, brothers, parents, etc -- it's not about you anymore. I always complained about that with bad parents that came into work when I worked at the daycare. I always complained that people needed to put aside their partying days because once you have babies, it's not about you anymore. It's kind of true for all the people you care about in your life. To a degree, it shouldn't always be about you. And here I was, wallowing in my own self pity. All that "whoa is me" crap, acting like an angsty teen. Guess it's time to grow up... even more. Great. 21 years old... and I knew there was more growing to do, but I didn't know each day was a process. So overwhelming sometimes.
Soooo, what did I do? I wrote her an apology letter. Well, it was more an explanation letter, a letter of honesty and hope. I'm assuming she read it or is probably avoiding reading it. I don't blame her, but I really do hope my words mean something to her. I've officially accepted that things may not work out the way I want it to. You reap what you sow, but I also hope that maybe it'll alleviate some of the pressure on her heart. I don't know. We'll see. I do feel a lot better getting it out there though.
I love it and hate it when God convicts you of something. When He speaks so loud, yet so subtly to you all at the same time. It's refreshing but frustrating. It's not easy having to take a step back and look at yourself in the mirror, but... I had it coming. Anyway, time to hit the hay. Got to get up early and do some homework I refused to do at all today.
So.... the actual meaning of my title or the origin of it? A) I love Owl City now. (Look them up on myspace). B) I feel I have somehow developed an adventurous personality now that I've put myself out there, and I'm willing to look for more adventure along the way.... whilst listening to electronic/indie. :P
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| I know that I always rattle on and on about how much change has occurred in my life lately (I mean, as of lately in all of my recent blogs it seems), but.. sometimes, when life's changes hits ya, it hits ya. If I could travel back in time and talk to myself my freshman year of college and told me some of the things that would be happening my senior year of college... I don't think I would believe myself. Even right now when I look back at myself compared to myself last year around the same time, I'm not so much different, but more... in tune to myself, as lame as that sounds. I was turned on to the idea of this by my good friend and old roommate -- Jazmyn. We were driving to church and she pointed out how when she looked back at herself last year, she knew so much more about herself than ever before. So much has happened to make her understand a little bit more about the way she functions. Isn't that a weird concept? It's so weird to me, but I see what she means. I understand more why I react to things the way I do, and what things could possibly overwhelm me, or what things could be better for me. It's funny... God knows us so well, but in order to trust Him, sometimes, we need to get to know ourselves a little bit better too? You know what I mean? Sometimes I found it hard to trust God with myself because... maybe I didn't even trust myself... with myself. No one seemed to know me any better. Not that I completely understand the concept of ME yet, but... I don't know. Getting older, I do have a better sense of what's better for me. I know now that what's better for me is... God knows what's better for me. Yeah, yeah, confusing. I could barely follow that logic.
But aside from that little tidbit, let's go back to a little fact mentioned earlier. "Going to church". Yeah. I said it. The girl who hasn't found a steady church in about ohhhh... 5 or 6 years now? I've manage to "church hop" and maybe find random children's ministry jobs, but... nothing steady. This new church is definitely something new. Something that takes me completely out of my element and comfort zone, and what's even better is that it's a place that I've discovered on my own. Well, with the help of Jazmyn of course, but discovered and decided on my own, without a family member, that this church would be a pretty good fit. Two sundays and an awkward Thanksgiving youth group dinner later, I still kind of like it. There's not that many young people, but the young people that are there are tight knit group. I love it. The pastor is amazing too, and the worship shakes me every time. How long has it been since I've been so moved to search for Christ? Man, I'm not claiming to be holy because, let me tell ya, I am far from it. But for the first time in a long time, my heart feels compelled and led to seek out God. He's sought me out so many times and held out his hand to me that I think it's finally time for me to take his hand. How long has it been since I've stepped out of the darkness? It feels, honestly, like forever. So many significant things have shaped my path that I can not deny where my feet are headed. God has called me, and I can't deny how prominent it has been in my heart these past couple months.
As most of you know, I've gone through a... "friendship breakup". After taking a step back from that, I see the heaviness it had caused in my heart. I mean, I was aware of it, but not so much that I really knew what a toll it was taking on me. It affected all my other relationships and seriously did damage on my relationship with God. I just feel like I've been in a hole for the past few years. It hurts though. I won't deny that. But I guess that's inevitable. I went through phases of hurt, angry-hurt, sad, angry-sad, angry-sad-hurt, apathetic, sad, apathetic, and now angry. Yeah, I've kept track of all of them.... it's interesting to watch yourself go through phases. I can't deny how angry I've felt for the past couple days. I don't even know why my mind keeps going back to it, but now I'm just left so angry. Get over it right? ...yeah, I know. It's hard to forget something like that. But maybe God has constantly brought it to my mind to lead it into prayer? I don't know. I've tried. I've tried so hard to pray for her, but sometimes, I feel like she doesn't deserve it. What a horrible thought, right? Part of me wants her to hurt as much as I did, and the other part of me doesn't really care. I hate feeling like this, and I hate that I keep thinking about it.
Anywho, I'm pooped. I'm headed off to bed. G'night. :) | | |
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